Friday, December 9, 2011

sequence of events

First off and foremost, I just want to let you know that you're the reason that tis' the season..for most, I'll leave that piece be, why? it kinda makes me feel awkward speaking.. it's in my past like trick or eyes fill.. watered up...reason being, I keep it all bottled up..that's why it's logical to grab the cups and pour em' up..I toast to the matter if it leaves me throwing up..Shiiit! one time for ya' mind..assumptions aside on the really, though..too blunt on the blunts or you feel me on the Phillie's, though..I like to see the HTC in my Christmas tree' be honest..I'm miserable in general..but of course, that's what happens when you let remorse run its course..that's what I get for being blind to the facts, snapbacks aren't back cuz they've always been trucker hats, so..see, I'm older now and more oblige..because the cause of your in bliss is because of ignorance..I'm stuck in an abyss of intelligence..Therefore, you'll never get it even if I'm throwing hints thereafter..I've learned early that unimportant people measure in accomplishments..the real importance is marveling at behind the scene common sense..then you'll truly see through ones incompetence..O.K., per say, we blame the cliche trend snaggers.. LOL, if you feel it necessary..either way.. inevitably, "our youth's in charge" correlates with the end of the world as we know it..God forbid I'm given a chance cuz God knows I'll fuckin' blow it..I wish we were exposed to everything..some people are..that's probably why they choose the bible over a wedding ring..I don't think I'm meant to hear heaven sing cuz I'm not heaven sent..I'm more important that's why I see hell bound in my coordinates for my accordance's .. unfortunately, this world was created and I was just born in it.. hats off to my parents for their "big bang"..folks and their allure to folklore or folks and their feasible theories..big family,too..a series..that's the even exchange when the world is a thing you want to change..This is serious though, I can't help but to think that parties are better off promoting voting for only green's pitiful to believe that being political is critical..I just think the sentinel is going to throw us all in the hole in the earth that Deftones mentioned in their mentioning's..and again, don't take any of this into consideration..unsure of the absurd but this is just me bloggin' off the noggin..rantings and etc.'s are vital to on the other end of them..egh, not so much..I'm done..totally open to at will..don't expect me to flinch either! ha ha

Johnathon Michael Espinoza:

Monday, August 22, 2011

Father Time

Johnathon Michael Espinoza:

I'm here again. In fear for my life only because he's at the verge of his. How selfish of me. Nobody can rekindle this light. Not that I know of. Many "suggest" that I pray. But I don't think my faith will determine his fate. Therefore, I wait. Unresponsive on a potential death bed. Pricked and tossed by the messengers that act so nonchalant and speak so reckless. That's always the opinion of the loved ones party I presume. I'd like to think he knew it was me that clinched his cold feet when I did. Was it wrong that I pictured them in an open casket? Could be. Your mind races and your stomach knots when your stressed I suppose. I felt like vomiting even before I got here. I asked for food earlier not for any other excuse I gave but for the simple fact that I was still a little light headed. Intoxicated, what have you. I kind of felt bad for not answering my brothers phone call last night. I just thought he was up late and thinking. He likes to include me in his thought processes from time to time. Especially weekends, he rambles. Mostly because he's so busy during the week. You know, having a full time girlfriend and a 9 to 5. The main reason I didn't answer is because I see him as a father figure. Answering drunk is bad for business. Family business. And not to mention the pussy I was about to get. I should have key worded that as "unmentionable". That would be clever. What if the God forbidden would have happened and I was wrapped up in. In. The unmentionable. I would have felt like shit. Well, even worse than I already do. I was awaken by my friend. So I rolled opposite of her and got dressed. He spoke of the scolding he was in for because he had the work truck his brother was suppose to take this morning. I spoke of the news I just received from my younger sisters phone call. I walked out of the waiting room because I don't want to share this pity party with the outside family. His immediate family. Those roots were never really deep. Doesn't matter. I've already burdened myself with digging those right up. I just want it to be me and my immediate family there. His girlfriend. Fine. They have a baby together so its understandable. Cold shoulders and stale kisses to them. Keep the peace due to the circumstances but don't test me. I'm on edge its expected. I'd rather listen to the chaos of strangers in a half empty room then sit in a silent room full of fakes. I don't know or care how I look in front of anybody right now. I have my dark shades on inside because I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes. My baby brother answered my call right after he answered my mothers. I wish I would have got to him first. He's a cold hearted little fucker. But we all are. To a certain extent. A realist, if you will. I imagine he'd have to be drug to the funeral. If necessary. The funeral. I pictured the gathering with a masterpiece I painted of him as the center of attention. The prints/paintings in this place are glorious. The long halls are full of them. I imagine it would be pretty depressing without the pretty things. I wanted to paint one for me too. Of him. But this one would have him with his eyes open and the tubes still in with bandages as well. It would be a powerful piece. The dry blood sprinkles the nurses act like they didn't notice. Just another patient, huh? I remember thinking this before I touched him. Ironically my peripherals lead me to his wrist band which I noticed said, Unknown. Never mind what it meant. Just mind the fact that, that could be devastating to a person such as myself. Though, I'm probably the only one that caught that. Just looking for other reasons to look at life from a downer's point of view. I guess people do that when your in a situation as such. So negative. Like my mother. It kind of hurt to watch her lip quiver as she asked to join in prayer for the chance that he might be able to hear. I told her I didn't want to. I folded my arms. Not in reverence, not in rebellion, not because the chills. Because it matched the furrow of my brow, my thoughts, my anger. I'm still jittery. That coffee really hit me. Even though it sucked. Nobody gets coffee at Jack in the Box. What the fuck. There was even a fine ass light skinned black lady who questioned our motives through friendly conversation. My sisters and I. I joked about her flirting with me as we pulled away and watched her float across the parking lot. With her Coach purse, green pants, sandles, big shades, etc. Hops in a Range Rover. Lucky passenger. Why isn't this t.v. On? Maybe they don't know which channel to put it on. Majority rule says Telemundo. Makes sense to put on the news at least. But that would be even more depressing don't you think. Don't you? That foam sanitizer is so tempting. Especially when there's a little drip hanging. I'd think it would have evaporated by now. This obese lady, whom I'm sure was previously eating, attacked it earlier. She handled it like a Cool Whip bottle. Ha. I keep looking over my right shoulder to see if anybody comes looking for me. Somebody I don't want to be. At the beginning of this sentence I see one of the fakes entering the elevator. Think he seen me? Egh. Who gives a hoot. I kind of want to go back to my sisters and mother. Because I'm bored. And these thick accents and shitty food smells are lingering. You would think you'd want to eat healthier given the location. Okay. They're here. Ttyl.

Friday, March 11, 2011

never the mind it..hope your day goes well..just wanted to say hello

Satanic sanity is sanitary is your headline on your mildewed notepad and half full gel pin..ta-da!..I always have this uniquely, satanic vision of me waking up..sitting on a kings chair in a dark room..alone..besides the rays of warming light seeping through the black paint on the childishly painted only eyes rolling continually behind dark shades of Burberry..listening to my beard and hair grow..they are both years long by description by the many I would be lying if I told you..frightening I know..every now and again tapping I am, my fingernails on the red velvet arm rests because the echo assures me nobody is behind me except the taxodermy kind of squirmy..if it were unarmed Id be unharmed..youll know why later..sad neck is barely holding my head up..unproper it is, swivels violently which is why my crown alarmingly hit the marble beneath me and started to circle mine and the chairs legs alike..ruins my shitty silence distortion..the and there again..five plus five..i used the available fingers to add..ten gold and diamond chains I'm wearing are grinding and clinging..swaying..ha ha..yeah..Its music!!..I'm shirtless...but the weathered leather and metal accents on my jacket are the realest sensation against my upper torso..torn seams and torn thoughts..the silk on my pajama pants would be genuine as well except it seems I've again pissed myself, I smell a linger drunken stupor gets the best of me I admit..I wouldn't know it was, the cause, but my feet are resting upon last nights half empty Jack Daniels bottle as if an island..i recognize the shape of the bottle says my frigid toes positioned pajamas are pin striped in case you makes me look taller..i like the fact that being optical is optional..oh..i remember why I'm really tapping my fingernails against the arm soft..sensational..I seem to have a bit of cocaine peeking in the addiction of course..that shits just expensive yo..cant let that go..I like watching wine like watching wine age?..dont ask about my age..depressing..furrows my brow..I hope I make it past thirty..I hope I make it past thirty without my fingernails habits stick though thug..results always come out if you dont want to know then dont test my body fluids or dont test my blood..basically if you dont want to know then dont ask..I wont tell..theres a pill in my left zipper breast pocket..It'll speed up your thinking so you can keep up with head is pulsating like the lead on your pad..woops, you had a gel and my legs are shivering again..two lips simeltanous they quiver..Some demons are scratching the outside of my one window..they'd like, love, hope is what they claim to deliver..neat outfits I assume..the only escape..they're so crazy..they converse well though..oh the shit they say..makes my day..i dare not that sense they defeat..Im going to let them in..I recall, remember, at times reminisce a time I let them in, can run if you want..if I let you..tee hee..clinches, grasps..hold me hand we shall, will allow them presence together..oh, cometh on..itll be fun, comment on..woooooosh! splish,splash, spill the thrill dudette feel the me duette, do a tsunami they leak in..paryers to Japain..its a tornado they speak heart rate is an peace is our handshake..a fluster of brilliance just made way to both cheeks of my brain..your mouth is an ass..inspration is this particular jaw jackers and this fucker go way back..well lets just say without him they'd,you'd, pay me less..I say they as if your not here..I mean you..yes you..dont touch me please..go back to your binoculars..couch crothch..your touch tingles my spine divine..just like mine, in my quiet resmbles mine..hella, damn pervert..what day is it again?..i enjoy scraping talleys on the cloth walls with broken and my demons will show you how this time..stay in your cant count them cuz the cotton guts make it difficult..but hey..its the thought that counts..don't mention it..DON'T MENTAL IT!..studder, sturdy minded..I don't mind it..wink, wink, repeat wink..then I hold up a flash card I pull from my boxers that says,"laugh with me" catch a glimpse of the back as I shove it crinkled back into my jewels..familiar was scratched out with pen so you didn't know what to make of it..delerious you are.."delirious she is", I whisper to inspiration..p.s. the other no name demons went back the way they came and left just as fast as they came..hand me downs..what an extremely odd way to pass time..we think to ourselves cuz we are one now..siamese..bloody knees..prayers only reach the atmosphere..I take off my jacket and show you an etched in prison tat on my pale back symbolizes a bond thats not meant to be broken..yeah i know it looks just like three sixes..subtract it all and you end up with the toll it takes on me..but your not looking close enough and I doubt the lighting in here would help your perception of me..sinister..ugh..youll never wait come back please..I'm not is my puppy dog tongues out and im panting..I look rediculous for you..I'm worth nothing you know that right..I have that right..I'm dont playing around..lets go party..have you met your maker?..ill introduce you in a funeral setting..matrimony is holy between ya'll..a wedding..ooh! can not, whilst waiting, you'll get along just fine..if I can juuuuuust..find..aha here it be..this little Sherlock mystery of mine..I pull from behind your ear a blah blah old days century observant are we..but we still leave out the shattered only way window way to go..tell me where your going and ill follow you..i hope its dark..natural habitat..I cling to it..habitually..idea..lets get lost finding serenity in your virginity..jk..unless your gonna do it? that as it may..leave me where I lay..please yourself..ill recline on the oak and peek your stroak..damn bitch, what were you thinking..regrets a puddle of sperm you know..your ovaries are oysters..nothing new but that you knew..have you seen my art..hug me till I fart..I heard that somewhere..I took up that dare..camoflauge I wear when I go out wandering..I always walk too long..deyhderation, my death bed of healthy roses..shame I shit and ponder I vomit..I get so mixed up like an omelette..finest meal of the day perhaps, dont you think..well? dont you think?..your not hardly the person I use to know, you know..I say that to say this..this is me holding my breadth.. -__-'a.k.a. sleepy face..It's a fact..I Googled it..shadows make me shady..right slim? ..die out, fly out ya feel me homie..the end.

Por Fin.

Johnathon Michael Espinoza:

Friday, January 7, 2011

My Masterpiece

First things first, hit up Starbucks for a venti. I'ma be up a while and I need that for my venting. I sip & reflect upon what my brother told me last night. It tears me up inside to recap & get all teary eyed. It kills me inside out to know that everything he said maybe, might, could be right. Shit, look at me still. Habitual denial. I just want to get ahead is what I'm thinking. I keep fuckin myself over. It comes involuntarily like blinking. Nobody but me can swim, yet I stay in the ship that's continually sinking. I've passed up plenty opportunities people waited their whole lives for. I've accomplished plenty of things people wasted their whole lives for. It really seems like I can't say anything about myself that's not over the line of modesty. Everything I never dreamed of will be done before my next birthday & I'm only 21. Honestly. Every time I try and help out somebody else I bring myself down. That shit kind of bothers me. So, I stop myself in the middle & start re-thinking. Logically. My coffee just lost its heat & is coming to its last sips. I swear some unusual things are worse then the ordinary things the rest of the world would use for abuse. For example the things that I'm saying to myself are a closed mouth and a slit wrist. Big vein, pour out, big pain. When it rains it pours. When it snows it blows. I enjoy metaphors. Rain quenched my thirst & snow will treat my nose. If I die young I hope its from one of those. I'd hate to leave my fate in another persons hands. I'd take my own life if I ever end up living somebody else's plans. And right now I'm in demand, but lately it just feels like I'm a slave to my clients cuz to sell I'm just at your command. My life is bittersweet. Suck it up bitch. Get a taste. Oh, but you always win cuz no matter my feelings of highs and lows. Beautiful art is the result of the two of those. The right path is never what it seems to me. Every time I reach where I want to be, I get rerouted to the spot where I use to be. I guess that means all the people I pass up get to see me again, so you may as well get use to me. I take what I can get & that's pretty much everything. I sometimes snap back in time and smirk cuz I know what could have became of that present me. Not many believed in me or assisted me. I guess that's what makes up the percentage of the demented me. I don't complain about the past or anything cuz its the best of both worlds that invented me. All I plea is that you look at me, acknowledge me. Differently. A bit ironic but the ending of this is a simultaneous open welcoming. I cordially invite you to the journey of thoughts, on the dirtiest back roads, to my. Mastered. Peace. Masterpiece.

Johnathon Michael Espinoza: